why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
