My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
