It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
