the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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