apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
