Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
