Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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