Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
