I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
