if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
