are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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