i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
