drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
