She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
