My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
