I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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