Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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