I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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