The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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