I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
