My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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