The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
