I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
