life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
