Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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