I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
