I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
