I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
even my farts smell like vagina
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
