I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
