He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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