please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
