Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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