when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
