I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
