tell your sister to shave her snatch
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
