I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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