ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
