You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
