There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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