I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
