You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
