I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
