I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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