i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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