I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
