I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
