You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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