There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
