I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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