you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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